Writing Right
I’m going to devote a few entries to improving corporate copywriting. Too much corporate writing is God-awful. For example, consider this random paragraph from unnamed company’s Web site...
The tradition of philanthropy at XXX Organization extends as far back as our founding days in 1926.
Today, countless gifts of all sizes continue to help XXX meet its ongoing need for up-to-date equipment, the most current technology and the broadest range of services.
Throughout the years XXX Foundation has focused on only one thing: enhancing services at XXX. The generosity of our friends and supporters help us achieve this mission.
All contributions to XXX Foundation are used exclusively for the activities of XXX. XXX Foundation is a 501(c)(3) tax exempt organization. Its Federal Tax Identification Number is: 95-3625651.
All I can say is ZZZ. And to think the purpose of this copy is to inspire someone to give up their hard earned dough. What’s wrong here? Let’s dissect the copy and then suggest some radical changes.
First, get some editing chops. There are some sloppy sentences here. Example, “as far back as” could be “back to.” In paragraph two, why don’t repeat “current” following “up-to-date.” Simply say “need for the latest equipment, technology and services.” Easy, huh?
The whole Fed Tax ID mention could just be a footnote. It’s not exactly aspirational in the body of the text.
Actually, asking for money is an art. You have to show how donors’ money works. A story about a sick child sounds overwrought, but done well, it hooks you in.
Tomorrow: Tips for ghostwriters.
The tradition of philanthropy at XXX Organization extends as far back as our founding days in 1926.
Today, countless gifts of all sizes continue to help XXX meet its ongoing need for up-to-date equipment, the most current technology and the broadest range of services.
Throughout the years XXX Foundation has focused on only one thing: enhancing services at XXX. The generosity of our friends and supporters help us achieve this mission.
All contributions to XXX Foundation are used exclusively for the activities of XXX. XXX Foundation is a 501(c)(3) tax exempt organization. Its Federal Tax Identification Number is: 95-3625651.
All I can say is ZZZ. And to think the purpose of this copy is to inspire someone to give up their hard earned dough. What’s wrong here? Let’s dissect the copy and then suggest some radical changes.
First, get some editing chops. There are some sloppy sentences here. Example, “as far back as” could be “back to.” In paragraph two, why don’t repeat “current” following “up-to-date.” Simply say “need for the latest equipment, technology and services.” Easy, huh?
The whole Fed Tax ID mention could just be a footnote. It’s not exactly aspirational in the body of the text.
Actually, asking for money is an art. You have to show how donors’ money works. A story about a sick child sounds overwrought, but done well, it hooks you in.
Tomorrow: Tips for ghostwriters.
